


Idfc.

by mangelak0s



Series: JeffMads [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Depression, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-30
Updated: 2018-11-30
Packaged: 2019-09-02 17:33:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16791541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mangelak0s/pseuds/mangelak0s
Summary: Well... Post this writing twice so you can read both English and Spanish. 😋Tell me what yoy think! It fuels my writer's soul. 💕





	Idfc.

**Author's Note:**

> Well... Post this writing twice so you can read both English and Spanish. 😋  
> Tell me what yoy think! It fuels my writer's soul. 💕

Normally, it was best to take a pencil and paper.

In that way you can write all your feelings, all your joys, your laughter, your sorrows, your miseries.

But... A letter would not read it.

And James wanted to make it clear why this had happened.

Was he a bad person doing that? By making his feelings clear?

No, right?

He just ... He wanted to say goodbye in some other way.

He took his cell phone, opened notes and sighed, beginning.

“Do you remember when you said that you loved me with all your soul, and that you never will hurt me?

Ha.

I think everything was fine, you know? I ... I believe in that fantasy.

That's the truth and the fantasy I lived for years.

But you never cared.

You never cared, you didn't care, right?

Thomas, I'm ... I was crazyly in love with you.

I would have given my life for you.

But I was never enough for you.

Look me in the face and tell me everything you feel, hypocrite.

You took my heart, you pretended to love it, to take care of it, and then to crush it.

Everything can be arranged, except a broken heart.

Do you remember all those romantic moments we had? All that hypocrisy, that lie in which you kept me living?

now I don't give a shit.

now... now i changed, Thomas.

although... i still need you as the stupid that I am.

i can't live in peace.

you are the only thing I think.

you're my day to day, and, shit, I hate it.

I hate you!

i hate you.

i... i hate you.

i...

i love you...

i can not do this, thomas, i dont even have the strength to capitalize, do you see how sad i am?

why did you have to finish everything like that?

why did you have to hurt me so much?

...why did you cheat me?

you... you don't know how this feels.

write this in the notes of my phone to send it later, it seems suicide note, hahaha.  
i never thought id get to this, but, thomas.

you were always everything I had.

you were everything to me.

and you let me fall.

how did you think I was going to recover from this?

how do you think I can keep looking at your face after all?

i... i cant take it anymore, thomas, i dont give more.

you promised me a beautiful future, and what did you give me?

tell me, thomas, what the fuck did you give me?

this.

this is happening now.

let me stop fighting for my life.

let me stop fighting for you.

i can not anymore. im not strong anymore.

im damaged.

im broken.

and they cant fix me.

i can not take it anymore, god, i have trouble breathing, my eyes are swollen, i can barely see, my head hurts in a horrible way.

you are not the person i met years ago.

you are... you are someone... bad.

i cant tell you anything, i cant sleep in the same bed as you, is not it funny? is not my life funny?

so much disgust do i give so that the only person i have ever loved and will always love, just play with me?

you said you do not give a shit about my life.

you said you didt give a shit.

you sent me to hell.

did you think i would recover easily?

what a forgiveness would solve everything?

no, thomas, things dont work that way.

i feel broken.

sad.

crushed, troubled?

melancholic, nostalgic, bitter, depressed, and all the synonyms you find.

some will think that this is a hasty decision, that everything can change, but... no.

this would be an endless cycle, and... i do not want you to hit me.

my hands are shivering, what does that mean?

it had never happened to me before.

i... i think i should finish this here, hahah.

you will never see me again, and i will never be a burden to you again.

nor for anyone.

the saddest thing of all?

I still love you with all my heart.”

James copied all that, and without reading it again, he sent it to Thomas as is.

There were two possibilities; he could read it before James's depression and his panic attack overtook him, or...

Or that he would arrive the next day at the apartment they shared, and find him... Dead... On the bed.

He was working all night, and he doesn't lie when he says that.

He never took his cell phone.

And now... He feel how his life went extinct.

He ran to James, trying to take his pulse, crying more than he could, trying to kiss him to see if he could somehow revive him, but... Nothing.

James used to have certain episodes of paranoia that he couldn't control except with pills. That should be the only... The only answer to this.

Thomas went to the bathroom as fast as he could, trying not to fall or crash because of how dizzy he was, and he looked for the pills.

Sure, how had he not noticed before?  
He didn't take them since a week ago.

One week was enough to take away everything he had loved in life.

He screamed, throwing the pills away, causing the jar to break the mirror and shattering it into many pieces.

“Will you remember me?”, he heard James's voice, and looked around. “Be happy, Thomas.”

Now he was hallucinating?

“I'm sorry about everything, but at least I can rest.”

His voice became constant.

And close.

Thomas sat on the side of the shower, put his head between his legs and began to cry and scream.

James' voice was still talking, and Thomas couldn't take it anymore.

He was everything he loved in life, and what was he going to do without the only thing that motivated him to continue?

He stopped, still with the sweet sound of James' voice in his ears, and he went where he was.

He approached, while crying, took his cell phone and found two notes.

The first one was the one that had sent him, and the second was... It was when James was... “Fine.”

In it he asked forgiveness for everything, for what he was going to do - he had done, and for not being able to continue with him.

Everyone knows the Romeo and Juliet novel, right?

Everyone knows that love can kill.

And, this was another one of those cases.

I don't think I have to keep telling more, since the story of both ended there.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm in HAmino too! 💕  
> http://aminoapps.com/p/ypnh4w


End file.
